Parenting in Two Cultures

Have you witnessed or experienced this struggle: on one side are the values you grew up with, such as respect for elders, sacrifice, academic success, keeping the family name strong; On the other side are the messages your children absorb at school and online speak up, be independent, talk about your feelings.

If you are an Asian parent, adult of Asian parents, part of an Asian mixed cultural family, you live in that in between place every day. This blog offers a research informed and heart centered guide to communicating with your children while honoring both cultures and weaving in the Good Inside framework from Dr Becky Kennedy.

What it means to parent in two cultures

In many Asian and mixed cultural homes, parents carry memories of their own childhood in one culture while raising children who are growing up in another. That might look like:

• You grew up in China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, India, Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia, the Philippines, Thailand, or another Asian country, and your child is growing up in North America.

• You were raised in an Asian American household, and your partner grew up in a different cultural background.

• Your child moves between grandparents who hold one set of rules and friends who value differently.

  
  

Researchers call this an acculturation gap when parents and children adjust to the new culture at different speeds. A recent systematic review notes that differences in cultural adaptation between parents and children can shape parenting, family conflict, and youth mental health in powerful ways.

Children often absorb the language, humor, and social rules of the new country much faster. Parents may feel left behind, disrespected, or worried that traditional values will be lost. Children may feel misunderstood, controlled, or torn between loyalty to family and fitting in with peers. Studies of Chinese American and other Asian immigrant families show that conflict around values and expectations is common and stressful for youth. So this situation brought up questions: how to distinguish between the dos and don'ts?

At the same time, research also shows that Asian parenting can be a powerful source of protection, resilience, and family strength when communication is warm and flexible.

So the question is not which culture or values is right. The question is how your family can build a shared culture at home where your child feels seen in both worlds and you feel respected as a parent. You may wonder, it sounded simple, but how? Don't worry. We will break it down for you.

What research tells us about communication and child wellbeing

A growing body of peer-reviewed studies across cultures points to one core truth:

Parenting significantly influences adolescent behavior and is a key to addressing their mental health.Wiley Online Library

How we talk to our children matters just as much as what we believe.

A recent review of family communication and mental health found that:

positive communication patterns are associated with better mental health outcomes.ResearchGate

Positive patterns include listening without immediate judgment, sharing affection, and working through conflict with respect. Negative patterns include criticism, yelling, stonewalling, or withdrawing love when a child does not meet expectations.

Studies of Asian American families add some important nuances:

• Parent-child cultural gaps are linked to youth distress partly through family conflict and feeling misunderstood.

• When parents hold tightly to traditional values and use very strict or harsh discipline, family conflict tends to increase.

• Warmth, open conversation, and a sense that children matter to their parents can buffer the stress of growing up between cultures.

  
  

In other words, it is possible to keep the values you care about and still shift the way you talk and connect. You do not have to choose between being a "strict" Asian parent and a "loose" Western parent. You can be something more integrated and authentic to you.

How Good Inside can support Asian and mixed cultural parents

Dr Becky Kennedy's Good Inside framework offers a powerful lens for parents who are navigating cultural tension. Her central message is also relevant to Asian communities:

every child and adult is good inside.

Instead of focusing only on behavior, Good Inside invites you to see the feelings, needs, and skills underneath. When your child talks back, slams a door, or rejects your cultural traditions, the question becomes not What is wrong with this child but What is this behavior telling me about what my child is feeling and what they need help with.

Reviews of the book describe it as:

a relationship manual for how to raise emotionally intelligent, self aware, and compassionate humans, while healing yourself along the way.

For Asian and mixed cultural families, this framework can be deeply healing because it gives permission to:

• Honor your own upbringing without repeating parts that hurt you.

• Keep your authority as a parent while building connection-based communication.

• Treat both you and your child as good inside, even when there is shouting, silence, or shame.

Common challenges for Asian and mixed cultural families

Here are some struggles I often hear from Asian and Asian mixed cultural parents:

• Communication style. You might prefer indirect communication, reading between the lines, while your child wants direct and explicit words. They may say "I feel sad," or "I do not agree," while your parents would have never spoken that way to their elders.

• Academic pressure and success. Many Asian parents were taught that hard work and education are the safest path to survival. Research shows that this focus can support achievement but can also increase stress and anxiety when it comes with criticism and conditional love.

• Respect and obedience. Filial piety and respect for elders are central in many Asian cultures. Your child hears at school that good parenting means encouraging independence, questioning, and consent. They may interpret traditional respect as controlling, while you may interpret Western-style independence as rude.

• Mental health stigma. Studies show that Asian American youth have significant mental health needs yet are much less likely to seek help, often due to stigma in families and communities.

• Mixed messages from extended family. Grandparents might say, " You spoil them!" or "We never talked about feelings," while you are trying to practice Good Inside strategies like validation and collaborative problem solving.

  
  

None of these challenges means you are failing. They simply show that you are parenting in a complex context. (Remember, this is out of your control!) The goal is not to have perfect harmony but more understanding and repair.

Five relationship-centered strategies for parenting in two cultures

Below are research-informed practices you can start using right away, grounded in the idea that you and your child are both good inside.

1. Name the two or multiple cultures in your home

Children feel safer when what they are living through is talked about openly.

You might say:

In our family we have at least two cultures. The one my parents taught me and the one you are growing up in. Sometimes they fit well together. Sometimes they clash. We are going to figure this out together.

This simple framing reduces the sense that conflict is a personal failure and reframes it as a family collaborative project.

You can even invite older kids into a conversation. Here are some questions you can ask:

• What feels important to you from our Asian culture?

• What feels important to you from the culture around us?

• What kind of family do you think you want us to be?

  
  

Write down a short family statement that blends both, such as We work hard, care for each other, and talk about our feelings with respect.

2. Use a "connection before correction" approach

Research on family communication and conflict shows that when parents respond with warmth and emotional support, children do better even under stress.

Good Inside translates this into a simple sequence:

1. Connect to your child's goodness and feelings.

2. Set a clear boundary.

3. Offer guidance or a repair step.

   
   

For example, imagine your child refuses to speak Chinese or another heritage language at home.

Instead of "You are forgetting who you are," "Why are you so ungrateful?" you could try

Connection. It sounds like, "Okay, honey, I get switching languages is hard. You speak English all day at school, and you just want to relax."

Next, you can try Boundary. "In this house, we keep our language alive. It matters to me that you can talk with Gong Gong and Po Po. Do you want to try?"

Last, try Guidance. It can sound like, "Let us make a deal. At dinner we use Chinese. The rest of the evening, we can mix both. I will help you with any words you forget. How does that sound?"

You are still keeping your cultural value, but you are relating to your child as a good kid who needs support, not as someone who is rejecting you.

3. Build a shared emotional vocabulary in two languages

One very practical way to bridge cultures is to teach feeling words in both languages and connect them to body sensations and thoughts.

You might create a family feelings chart with face emojis and words like:

• sad, lonely, disappointed

• worried, nervous, stressed

• angry, annoyed, frustrated

• proud, grateful, calm

  
  

Then add the equivalent words in your family language. Invite your young child to pick the word that fits the faces, and then say it in whichever language they prefer or in both.

This practice does several things:

• It normalizes emotional talk in a culturally grounded way.

• It gives children tools to express themselves without shouting or shutting down.

• It can be shared with grandparents so they can participate in emotion coaching too.

  
  

We get a lot of parents calling us, "My child came to the US two years ago, now they have stopped talking to us or to their classmates! What should we do?" Research suggests that when children feel they matter to their parents and can communicate openly, they show better adjustment even when cultural values differ. Children need to feel safe enough or cared about enough then they can share more.

4. Repair after conflict, especially across the cultural gap

No matter how loving you are, there will be moments when you snap, say hurtful words, or lean into old patterns like comparison or shaming. In many Asian homes, adults rarely apologize to children. Silence or food might have been the only repair.

Good Inside encourages a different path. After things cool down, you can say to your child:

• I wish I had spoken more calmly earlier. You did not deserve to be called lazy.

• You are good inside, even when your behavior is not ok.

• I am (you are) good inside, even when I (you) mess up.

• Next time, I will try to take a break before I talk.

  
  

Studies on interparental conflict show that what matters is not only whether parents fight, but how they repair and how they talk with children afterward. Warm communication can reduce the negative impact of conflict on children's social behavior.

When you model repair, you give your child a living example of humility, strength, and courage. You also show them that being Asian or part of an Asian mixed cultural family can include emotional accountability, not only endurance or silence.

5. Create rituals that honor both cultures

Rituals give children a sense of belonging. They are also a concrete way to make your mixed or bicultural identity visible.

Some ideas:

• A weekly family dinner where you share a small story about your day and something from your culture of origin. This might be a proverb, a recipe, or a song.

• A monthly tradition night where you alternate focus. One month, follow a festival or custom from your Asian heritage. The next month, follow a tradition from your partner's culture or the local culture.

  
  

Invite your child into planning these rituals. Some questions you can ask:

• What would make this feel fun for you?

• What parts feel too strict or boring?

• What feels meaningful or cool to share with your friends?

  
  

Research on Asian immigrant families suggests that social support and positive neighborhood or community contexts can reduce intergenerational conflict. It's lucky that you found a community that your family is connecting to. Also, if you haven't found one that your family belongs to, shared rituals can become one way your family builds its own support from the inside out.

Next time, we'll dive deep into what to do when you and your partner have different opinions on parenting, such as what is being respectful, what is being rude, what is being selfish, and what is being considerate.

(Assemblage: My cultural heritage and adjustments navigating two cultures. Made by Chao Zhao for the LMU Art Psychotherapy course reflection.)

Reference:

Kim, S.Y., Shen, J., Yávar Calderón, M.P. et al. Parenting of Asian Adolescents: A Systematic Review of the Past Decade. Adolescent Res Rev 10, 545–592 (2025). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40894-025-00258-2

Lee, Y. (2021). Effects of parent–child intergenerational cultural discrepancies on Korean-American young adults’ psychological well-being, through communication quality, mattering, and autonomy support. https://doi.org/10.26153/tsw/13813

Pei, F., Wang, Y., Mudrick, N. R., Harris, C., Zhai, F., & Gao, Q. (2023). Neighborhood Environment, cultural orientation, and Parenting: Understanding the intergenerational conflict in Asian immigrant families. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 42(2), 249–259. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10560-023-00949-6

Pilapil, S. A. (2021). Intergenerational cultural conflict and acculturation gap within Asian American families during COVID-19. https://doi.org/10.46569/20.500.12680/1j92gf17m

Shukla, S., Smith, R. J., Burik, A., Browne, D. T., & Kil, H. (2025). When and how do parent-child acculturation gaps matter? A systematic review and recommendations for research and practice. Clinical Psychology Review, 117, 102568. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2025.102568