Parenting in Two Cultures (Part II)--When You and Your Partner Do Not Agree on How to Parent

In our previous blog, we shared some common challenges when parenting in two cultures, what the cultural gaps are, and how to raise emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and compassionate humans while not completely losing your beliefs through the Good Inside lens. If you found that was interesting and relevant, we wanted to offer some more in-depth and practical strategies or tools for parenting, When You and Your Partner Do Not Agree on How to Parent.

When You and Your Partner Do Not Agree on Things

Have you ever looked at your partner in the middle of a parenting moment and thought,

"Why are you so strict?" or "Why are you so soft?"

Maybe it sounds like:

You are letting them walk all over you.

You are embarrassing our child.

You are spoiling them.

You are being too harsh.

The problem is not about who is right and who is wrong. The problem is that you and your partner may not mean the same thing when you use those words.

This article is a follow-up to Parenting in Two Cultures and focuses on a common problem

Asian and Asian American parents who deeply love their kids but disagree about what respectful parenting looks like.

We will explore why partners see the same child behavior so differently and how Asian immigrant parents and Asian American families can handle parenting conflicts without hurting their kids.

This blog is based on peer-reviewed research on Asian parenting acculturation gaps, co-parenting, and child mental health, and also shares insights based on real stories from families bringing together more than one culture.

Why Asian parents see the same behavior so differently

In Asian and Asian American parents often stand in different "places" even when they have been living together in the same household for decades.

One partner may have grown up in one Asian culture with messages like, "Respect your elders", "Do not talk back", "Sacrifice for family", and "Keep the family name strong."!

The other partner might have grown up in North America or in a more Western-influenced home with messages like, "Speak your mind", "Use your voice", "Set boundaries," "Think about your own needs."

Even when both partners are Asian American, they may have come to the United States at different ages or adapted to American culture at different speeds. This is one kind of acculturation gap, just like the gap that can exist between immigrant parents and their children.

Research on Asian American parenting shows that these cultural differences are not just interesting background details. They are closely tied to how parents discipline, how they define respect and success, and how to deal with conflicts that show up in the home.

Studies on family communication and co-parenting also show that when parents are in constant conflicts about rules or discipline, children are more likely to feel anxious, act out, or shut down.

So when you and your partner argue about whether your child is being respectful or rude, it is not simply a personality clash. It is a moment where different cultural histories, survival strategies (sometimes there might be generational trauma), and fears are challenging each other.

The goal is not to decide which parent is correct or healthier. The goal is to understand what each of you is trying to protect and then build a shared approach to parenting in two cultures.

The Underlying Meanings of the Four loaded words in Asian parenting

The four loaded words that show up again and again in Asian parenting and in mixed culture families are:

1. Respectful

2. Rude

3. Selfish

4. Considerate

   
   

Let us look at what they often mean in different cultural contexts.

What does Respectful and Selfish mean in Asian parenting

For many Asian immigrant parents, respect might include:

• listening quietly when adults speak

• not interrupting elders

• following instructions quickly

• avoiding public disagreements

• peaking with a certain tone and volume

  
  

For a partner raised with more emphasis on independence, respect might include:

• being honest about feelings

• saying "no" when something feels wrong

• asking questions when something does not make sense

• setting healthy boundaries

• appreciating independence in decision making

  
  

So when a teenager says:

• I do not want to [...] with you, I am tired!

• I don't want to do what you told me to do.

• I want to do this on my own.

  
  

One parent might immediately think, "This is rude, ungrateful, and disrespectful!" While the other parent might think, "This is honest, direct, and clear communication!"

What might count as rude

In some Asian families, rudeness can be:

• looking away when an adult speaks

• not wanting to greet relatives

• challenging a parent's opinion

• using a loud and very assertive tone

  
  

In other contexts, rude might be reserved for more extreme behavior, such as insulting someone on purpose, mocking elders, refusing to follow boundaries, using slurs or threats. The word you choose to express your values to your partner matters. If you truly believe your child is being rude, but your partner doesn't see it that way, it makes sense that you feel unheard, angry, and resentful.

How selfish and considerate show up in Asian households

Many Asian parents were taught that putting your own needs first is selfish and dangerous. Survival often depended on putting the family reputation and stability above individual desires.

In that belief system, a child who says, "I need quiet time", "I do not want to share my room", "I do not want to say hi to that relative," may quickly be labeled as being selfish or disrespectful.

A partner who was raised with more focus on self-care and boundaries might see the same behavior as healthy and normal.

Considerate also has different meanings. In some Asian families, being considerate means

anticipating what elders need, not causing trouble, doing things without being asked, and enduring discomfort quietly so others are not inconvenienced.

For another partner, considerate might mean asking for consent before physical contact, checking in about emotional impact, and giving space when someone is upset.

These differences are not about good parents and bad parents. They reflect different lessons about what it takes to stay safe, loved, and respected in different societies.

How co-parenting conflict affects children in Asian and mixed culture families

In many Asian American families, the parenting moments become the moments where parents share their deeper cultural fears or reflect on their childhood trauma.

We want to acknowledge that adults, being a parent, doesn't mean you are fear or trauma free. So you deserve to find a designated time and space to process your own without impacting your children or family.

Research on co-parenting and interparental conflict shows that when parents constantly contradict each other in front of children or attack each other's parenting style,

children are more likely to feel confused, unsafe, and responsible for the conflict. The parent-child bond can weaken. Children may show more anxiety, depression, or behavioral challenges.

In Asian immigrant families, there is another layer of distress. Studies on acculturation gaps show that when parents and children adapt to a new culture at different speeds and cannot communicate about it properly, the youth's distress increases.

What to do in the moment when you disagree on parenting

Picture this common scene in an Asian American family. Your child refuses to greet an older relative. Parent A feels embarrassed and remembers being scolded as a child for not greeting every adult perfectly. They say sharply, "Do not be rude. Say hi to grandma!"

Parent B feels protective of the child and thinks about comfort. They say, "It is okay. They smiled."

Now the tension is heightened, your child is probably confused, and you and your partner are frustrated.

Here are some practical co-parenting strategies for Asian parents in this moment.

Step one: remove the child from the battlefield

• Try to signal to each other quietly: We are on the same team. We will talk later

• Turn to your child with a Good Inside lens: You are a good kid deep down.

"In our family, we greet relatives when they arrive. You can wave or say hi with words. You do not have to give a hug if you do not want to. We understand that."

This clear communication provides your child with a clear boundary, gives them room to make decisions, removes them from the center of a battle, and enhances safety and trust.

Step two: decode what the behavior means to each parent

Find a private time and space, clearly communicate your boundary, and discuss with your partner to incorporate both cultural values and your child's comfort.

• When you say respectful, what does that look like in your mind?

• When you say selfish, what are you afraid will happen?

You may hear things like:

• When I say respectful, I see my parents working so hard in a new country, and I never want to shame them. I do not want our child to forget that.

• When I say selfish. I do not want them to ignore others' feelings or please adults.

  
  

Now you are not arguing about a greeting. You are sharing your beliefs and narrative and deepening your connection with your partner. A lot of times, we just want to be heard, seen, and understood, but not about finding a solution.

Building shared family values in a mixed culture home

Once you understand what each of you is trying to protect, you can start to create shared definitions that fit your heritage and your life in the new culture.

You might write statements like:

In our family, respect means we care about the dignity of elders and kids. We greet people, and we also listen to our own bodies.

In our family, selfishness means hurting others on purpose or refusing to care about the impact. It is not selfish to have needs or limits.

In our family, considerate means being thoughtful about how our actions affect others and ourselves.

These new definitions do not erase any parent' values, they respect each partner's values and beliefs.

Creative Idea: You can create a value board with your family, each member writes their value statements, share them with older kids, and even share simplified versions with grandparents so everyone can understand what your home is trying to practice. Everyone's values are appreciated.

Example of a Family Value Board

Using the Good Inside approach with your partner

Many Asian parents are now learning about gentle parenting and about Dr. Becky Kennedy's Good Inside approach. The core idea is that every child is good inside, even when their behavior is hard. The same is true for adults. Your partner is also good inside, even when you strongly disagree with their parenting style.

You can use the same three steps that Good Inside suggests for kids:

• Connection

"I understand you want our child to be respectful and to remember where we come from. That matters to me too."

• Boundary

"I also do not want us to shame them or fight in front of them. That is a boundary for me."

• Problem solving

"Can we agree on one or two phrases we use next time so our child sees that we are on the same team, even if we see things differently?"

This does not mean you ignore your values. It means you bring your values with warmth instead of defense. Research on couples shows that when people feel understood rather than criticized, they are more open to changing their parenting patterns.

Bringing it back to your child

In all of these moments, your child is quietly asking two questions: "Am I good? Do my parents love me even when they do not agree with each other?"

Research on Asian immigrant families tells us that whatever mix of cultures you have, warmth, open communication, and a sense that children matter to their parents protect kids' mental health even when there is conflict or cultural difference.

• You do not have to erase your culture to give your child emotional safety.

• You do not have to copy every Western parenting trend to be a good Asian parent.

• You and your partner can slowly build a shared family culture.

  
  

When you need support for parenting in two cultures

If you are an Asian parent or part of a mixed culture family, and you are tired of arguing with your partner about parenting, you do not have to figure it out alone.

At Creative Hearts Collaborative, we specialize in Asian and Asian American parenting support, mixed culture kids, and teen and parent conflict in immigrant families; stress management, anxiety, and perfectionism in high-achieving families and individuals.

We offer therapy in English, Chinese Mandarin, and Cantonese in Arcadia and Irvine California, and online throughout California.

If you want a safe place to talk about your parenting differences, your cultural values, and your child's wellbeing, you can book a free 15-minute consultation to see if our team feels like the right fit for you and your family.

Parenting in two cultures is complex. You deserve support that understands both your culture and your heart.

Reference:

• Kim S Y Shen J Yávar Calderón M P et alParenting of Asian adolescents A systematic review of the past decadeAdolescent Research Review 2025 10 545–592httpsdoi.org10.100740894 025 00258 2

• Shukla S Smith R J Burik A Browne D T Kil HWhen and how do parent child acculturation gaps matter A systematic review and recommendations for research and practiceClinical Psychology Review 2025 117 102568

• Pei F Wang Y Mudrick N R Harris C Zhai F Gao QNeighborhood environment cultural orientation and parenting Understanding the intergenerational conflict in Asian immigrant familiesChild and Adolescent Social Work Journal 2023 42 249–259httpsdoi.org10.100710560 023 00949 6

• Rhoades K AChildrens responses to interparental conflict A meta analysis of their associations with child adjustmentChild Development 2008 79 6 1942–1956

• Van Dijk R et alA meta analysis on interparental conflict parenting and child adjustment in divorced families Examining mediation using meta analytic structural equation modelsClinical Psychology Review 2021

• Cultural orientation parental nurturance and parent child conflict in Asian American familiesExampleKim S Y et al 2016Children and Youth Services Review or similar work on Asian American families and cultural orientation

• Telzer E H and colleaguesIncreasing our understanding of the acculturation gap A way forwardChild Development Perspectives 2010

• Kennedy BGood Inside A guide to becoming the parent you want to beHarper Wave 2022