The Hats We Wear in Love

Sessions with my clients full of inspiring moments. The questions we pondered together in one of the individual sessions this week left me with words I want to share with you.

The question was:

How come our love and support turned into an argument?

We were talking about a moment between partners. Partner A noticed partner B was spiraling. A said to B, “Hey, you’re spiraling. You shouldn’t have felt this way. He didn’t mean it.”

Next thing you know, the conflict shifted toward A and B, no longer the conflict between B and the thing he was talking about. 

B felt unheard, unsupported, and judged. B argued back, like he didn’t feel supported and loved.

However, I knew, in that shift, something got lost.

As A was expressing her confusion, sadness, and disappointment in the relationship, I invited her to slow down.

Let’s imagine we’re back in the living room where you both started the conversation. 

Me: What is really happening here?

A: I saw him feeling sad and confused. I felt the pain. I wanted to help him to feel better.

Me: By saying “you shouldn’t have felt this way”?

A: I know that sounds judgemental and what I meant was I love him and I wanted help out to find a solution here.

Me: Okay, I see. You actually wanted to say something like “I love you, and I care about you. I wanted to offer help so you can feel better,” right?

A: Yea. I know it turned out like I was labeling him, giving unsolicited suggestions, and not hearing him out.

Me: Yes, sounds like it. So would you want to try again here?

…

We noticed that when we’re in love, activated the brain power without staying with the heart; we have the problem-solver hat on. 

We naturally look at things from either right or wrong perspective.

We naturally wanted to offer suggestions.

We naturally walked away from being present with the feelings.

Later, I sat with that feeling through art.

Art reflection after a session

On one page of my sketchbook, I drew an ear leaning toward a heart:

I hear you. 

Tell me more. 

I'm here.

On the other side, I drew a brain:

You shouldn't feel this way. 

Why are you being so sensitive? 

You're overthinking.

I started thinking about how easily we put on different hats in our intimate relationships, especially when we love someone and desperately want to help.

Sometimes we listen to understand.

Sometimes we listen while quietly searching for what needs to be fixed.

And sometimes, without realizing it, the conversation stops being about what our partner is feeling and becomes about whether they should be feeling better and solve the “problem.”

I'm curious, when you look at this image, which side feels familiar to you? And what hat do you notice yourself wearing in the relationships you care about the most?